Peer Review and Commentary—Feature Story

The Lead:

How does the lead pull the reader in and entice her to read on?  Is it surprising, or are claims made that are common knowledge (note: the reader shouldn’t be able to say, ‘well duh.’)?  Is it effective?  Can it be made more effective?  (think details, human drama, evocative language—why/why not do you want to read on?)

The first paragraph is very effective and I am really interested to keep reading to see what your paper is about. I don’t know why but “…the cars lurch forward, both of them” bugs me. The fact that the cars you’re talking about are a Porsche versus an electric car entices me to continue reading.

Does the lead give a clear indication of what the story will be about, or rely on mystery, or both?  Would more of a thesis be helpful?  Would less of a thesis be advised?  Is the reader aware of the importance of a topic—why it matters and is worth learning about?  Adversely, if for more entertainment purposes, is the topic engaging enough to compel reading?

The lead is very effective at telling me what the rest of the paper will be about but I am slightly confused though how you will cover this topic in 2,400 words, will you have enough material to talk about? Are you talking about Tesla the company or car or Elon Musk??? The second paragraph answers my question...

Organization:

Consider how the story is structured.  Chronological, thematic, chapter/section-based, inquiry-driven?  Is it effective?  Be specific—if a paragraph doesn’t transition well into the next, mention it and provide suggestions for improvement.

I am not exactly sure how the story is structured; it just seems to go from an idea to the next. I believe it is effective because it maintained my interest in reading the story.

Is each paragraph well focused, or are several ideas competing for attention?  How can better focus be achieved?

The paragraphs are very well focused and stay on one topic and when a new topic is brought to discussion, a new paragraph is started.

Are there certain points (factual or narrative based) that require more development?  Are you, the reader, unclear at certain points?  Are any ideas superfluous or distracting?

I don’t believe you have any problems in this area besides finishing your paper.

Balance of human interest and information.  Point out sections that become too bogged down in dry facts.  Adversely, find sections that rely on narrative without giving the reader proper background information and factual points of reference.

I think your paper could use more facts. I am really interested in how the Tesla’s is a better car than the other ones available and how Musk was capable of creating an electric car that can beat a Porsche while being sound and gas-less.

Are claims backed up by examples, evidence, research?  Are sensory details employed effectively?  Are abstractions made concrete through use of examples and details?

Claims are backed up and your ‘abstract’ ideas are concretely related to the topic.

How is the story concluded?  Does it wrap up the topic neatly and provide closure?  Does it ask bigger questions or compel the reader to search for more?  Are you left wanting more (and is this a good thing)?  Is it effective?

The author did not provide a conclusion.

Voice and Audience

Characterize the story’s voice and tone?  Is it suitable for the topic?  Is it engaging?  Is it consistent throughout the piece?  If first person POV is used, is this effective or jarring (remember, most story’s should rely on the strength of the topic for engagement, not the evidence of authorial intrusion).

The authors tone is informative like he respects Musk for his achievements.  

Try to characterize the audience.  What venue (publication) do you think this story suits?  Why?  Does the author effectively address this audience (too dumbed-down or sensational, too dry and esoteric)?

The author’s audience is car enthusiasts, nature lovers and eco-friendly activists. This story would suit a car magazine or eco-friendly publication and quite possibly a science magazine for his developments in electrical energy powering cars which is such a new development in our society.

Mechanics

Mark any ineffective or over-used word/phrase choices.  Mark any repetitive sentence structures.  Offer advice on vocabulary, syntax, and sentence structure.

I don’t really have anything to say, you don’t have any noticeable mistakes.