An Apple a Day Keeps the Doctor Away

Peer Review and Commentary—Feature Story

The Lead:

How does the lead pull the reader in and entice her to read on?  Is it surprising, or are claims made that are common knowledge (note: the reader shouldn’t be able to say, ‘well duh.’)?  Is it effective?  Can it be made more effective?  (think details, human drama, evocative language—why/why not do you want to read on?)

The title gives away the drama, we already know who the author is talking about so there is no mystery as to who this remarkable man is. His first paragraph is very blah, I am not interested in reading further. “a variety of characters” is a funny line. Still very blah.

Does the lead give a clear indication of what the story will be about, or rely on mystery, or both?  Would more of a thesis be helpful?  Would less of a thesis be advised?  Is the reader aware of the importance of a topic—why it matters and is worth learning about?  Adversely, if for more entertainment purposes, is the topic engaging enough to compel reading?

Yes, I know exactly what the story will be about. I am still confused as to why reading about Steve Jobs is worth my time. I never knew he was adopted though so that was cool to learn and I also didn’t know his collegiate history, which was interesting to learn as well. I also like the quote the author included about calligraphy. The author’s paper begins to pick up as he writes about Jobs’ life and experiences.

Organization:

Consider how the story is structured.  Chronological, thematic, chapter/section-based, inquiry-driven?  Is it effective?  Be specific—if a paragraph doesn’t transition well into the next, mention it and provide suggestions for improvement.

The story is definitely organized chronologically which is obvious because he starts with Jobs as a child then goes til his death. The author tells his story as Jobs’ life progressed, the grow together.

Is each paragraph well focused, or are several ideas competing for attention?  How can better focus be achieved?

Yes, the paper is well written.

Are there certain points (factual or narrative based) that require more development?  Are you, the reader, unclear at certain points?  Are any ideas superfluous or distracting?

How is his decision to name the company Apple linked to the Beatles? Explain what the Apple I and II are?

Balance of human interest and information.  Point out sections that become too bogged down in dry facts.  Adversely, find sections that rely on narrative without giving the reader proper background information and factual points of reference.

I don’t really see many. The facts really help build the paper and add to its flow.

Are claims backed up by examples, evidence, research?  Are sensory details employed effectively?  Are abstractions made concrete through use of examples and details?

The author doesn’t make too many claims. Details are explained for the most part. Abstractions are connected to the paper.

How is the story concluded?  Does it wrap up the topic neatly and provide closure?  Does it ask bigger questions or compel the reader to search for more?  Are you left wanting more (and is this a good thing)?  Is it effective?

The author concludes the story by making statements about the type of man Steve Jobs was and how he changed the world. I believe that it does wrap up the topic and that his paper supports this last claim. It does not ask any questions or compel the reader to figure out more because the only thing to figure out, his personality, is not really achievable anymore.

Voice and Audience

Characterize the story’s voice and tone?  Is it suitable for the topic?  Is it engaging?  Is it consistent throughout the piece?  If first person POV is used, is this effective or jarring (remember, most story’s should rely on the strength of the topic for engagement, not the evidence of authorial intrusion).

The author has a scholarly tone throughout the story. He really sounds likes he respects and idolizes Steve Jobs. I believe it is suitable for the topic and he is consistent throughout the entire story.

Try to characterize the audience.  What venue (publication) do you think this story suits?  Why?  Does the author effectively address this audience (too dumbed-down or sensational, too dry and esoteric)?

I think the author is trying to engage a scholarly audience, one that is interested in technology and advancements in electronics. He is obviously aiming to entertain people who care about Apple products.

Mechanics

Mark any ineffective or over-used word/phrase choices.  Mark any repetitive sentence structures.  Offer advice on vocabulary, syntax, and sentence structure.

He doesn’t have any obvious grammar mistakes but there are some places where he missed a space or added an extra comma.