4th group member peer review

I never received his paper so I was never able to fill one out for him. I told him in class on Friday that I had never received his paper but he still never sent it to me. That being said, I'm not sure what his name is. I can tell you that I did fill one out for Andy and Kevin because they actually provided me with their paper.


P.S. is 11 pages too long? SORRY...

Peer Review and Commentary—Feature Story

The Lead:

How does the lead pull the reader in and entice her to read on?  Is it surprising, or are claims made that are common knowledge (note: the reader shouldn’t be able to say, ‘well duh.’)?  Is it effective?  Can it be made more effective?  (think details, human drama, evocative language—why/why not do you want to read on?)

The first paragraph is very effective and I am really interested to keep reading to see what your paper is about. I don’t know why but “…the cars lurch forward, both of them” bugs me. The fact that the cars you’re talking about are a Porsche versus an electric car entices me to continue reading.

Does the lead give a clear indication of what the story will be about, or rely on mystery, or both?  Would more of a thesis be helpful?  Would less of a thesis be advised?  Is the reader aware of the importance of a topic—why it matters and is worth learning about?  Adversely, if for more entertainment purposes, is the topic engaging enough to compel reading?

The lead is very effective at telling me what the rest of the paper will be about but I am slightly confused though how you will cover this topic in 2,400 words, will you have enough material to talk about? Are you talking about Tesla the company or car or Elon Musk??? The second paragraph answers my question...

Organization:

Consider how the story is structured.  Chronological, thematic, chapter/section-based, inquiry-driven?  Is it effective?  Be specific—if a paragraph doesn’t transition well into the next, mention it and provide suggestions for improvement.

I am not exactly sure how the story is structured; it just seems to go from an idea to the next. I believe it is effective because it maintained my interest in reading the story.

Is each paragraph well focused, or are several ideas competing for attention?  How can better focus be achieved?

The paragraphs are very well focused and stay on one topic and when a new topic is brought to discussion, a new paragraph is started.

Are there certain points (factual or narrative based) that require more development?  Are you, the reader, unclear at certain points?  Are any ideas superfluous or distracting?

I don’t believe you have any problems in this area besides finishing your paper.

Balance of human interest and information.  Point out sections that become too bogged down in dry facts.  Adversely, find sections that rely on narrative without giving the reader proper background information and factual points of reference.

I think your paper could use more facts. I am really interested in how the Tesla’s is a better car than the other ones available and how Musk was capable of creating an electric car that can beat a Porsche while being sound and gas-less.

Are claims backed up by examples, evidence, research?  Are sensory details employed effectively?  Are abstractions made concrete through use of examples and details?

Claims are backed up and your ‘abstract’ ideas are concretely related to the topic.

How is the story concluded?  Does it wrap up the topic neatly and provide closure?  Does it ask bigger questions or compel the reader to search for more?  Are you left wanting more (and is this a good thing)?  Is it effective?

The author did not provide a conclusion.

Voice and Audience

Characterize the story’s voice and tone?  Is it suitable for the topic?  Is it engaging?  Is it consistent throughout the piece?  If first person POV is used, is this effective or jarring (remember, most story’s should rely on the strength of the topic for engagement, not the evidence of authorial intrusion).

The authors tone is informative like he respects Musk for his achievements.  

Try to characterize the audience.  What venue (publication) do you think this story suits?  Why?  Does the author effectively address this audience (too dumbed-down or sensational, too dry and esoteric)?

The author’s audience is car enthusiasts, nature lovers and eco-friendly activists. This story would suit a car magazine or eco-friendly publication and quite possibly a science magazine for his developments in electrical energy powering cars which is such a new development in our society.

Mechanics

Mark any ineffective or over-used word/phrase choices.  Mark any repetitive sentence structures.  Offer advice on vocabulary, syntax, and sentence structure.

I don’t really have anything to say, you don’t have any noticeable mistakes.  

Sorry Andy... I got a little angry about your topic.

Peer Review and Commentary—Feature Story

The Lead:

How does the lead pull the reader in and entice her to read on?  Is it surprising, or are claims made that are common knowledge (note: the reader shouldn’t be able to say, ‘well duh.’)?  Is it effective?  Can it be made more effective?  (think details, human drama, evocative language—why/why not do you want to read on?)

The first two lines need better flow, the transition is choppy. Poor syntax “Yes guns..carry knives” UM PEOPLE ALREADY CARRY KNIVES… Next sentence- grammar could be altered a bit. THEY ARE TRYING TO STOP PEOPLE FROM ILLEGALLY PURCHASING GUNS… I really don’t want to keep reading. You need to remember that there are two drastically different views to this topic and you need to keep it open ended during the first paragraph and less opinionated.

Does the lead give a clear indication of what the story will be about, or rely on mystery, or both?  Would more of a thesis be helpful?  Would less of a thesis be advised?  Is the reader aware of the importance of a topic—why it matters and is worth learning about?  Adversely, if for more entertainment purposes, is the topic engaging enough to compel reading?

The lead is very effective at telling me what the rest of the paper will be about but on the other hand I really don’t feel like figuring out what the following paragraphs have to say. You could definitely assume I am pissed but that is because I am a liberal who completely supports and is for gun control. And back to your knife comment, knives are available in the kitchen department of stores like Macys, Target and are even sold at your local grocery store so that is a really bad argument to make. Plus people have been sent to jail for killing with knives plenty of times. You could also say that toxic chemicals should be outlawed too because they can kill people. How about cars? They kill people too. So does alcohol and eating unhealthy. It is all about CHOICES.

Organization:

Consider how the story is structured.  Chronological, thematic, chapter/section-based, inquiry-driven?  Is it effective?  Be specific—if a paragraph doesn’t transition well into the next, mention it and provide suggestions for improvement.

I am going to guess it is thematically structured? You go from one idea to the next so that is just what I am going to figure… I think it is very effective how you present an idea and then your next paragraph discusses it.

Is each paragraph well focused, or are several ideas competing for attention?  How can better focus be achieved?

The paragraph is very well focused, stays on the point of describing how gun auctions are. You could include where they are held and what type of people go to them, what kinds of guns are sold? Is there an age limit to those allowed in? You could also suggest that people should be required to submit a background check before being allowed to attend an auction.

Are there certain points (factual or narrative based) that require more development?  Are you, the reader, unclear at certain points?  Are any ideas superfluous or distracting?

You’re okay with background checks but you’re not okay with gun control? Explain please… It seemed like avid gun owners are pissed about possibly needing a background check before they can buy yet another one of their precious pieces of metal. I would also like to know why men are so angry that the government is trying to oppress their guns but these same people are perfectly fine with women not having the right of a choice over their own body? The same men who want secret guns are totally against abortion and women’s’ rights. So no, I don’t want them to get their secret guns.

Balance of human interest and information.  Point out sections that become too bogged down in dry facts.  Adversely, find sections that rely on narrative without giving the reader proper background information and factual points of reference.

So far there haven’t been many facts supported by citations, just claims. Many things are illegal but still occur, people will always do what they want and try their hardest to do it without getting caught. That’s like complaining about people speeding because there are speed limits on like every road in America. By the way, in the paragraph that begins “Within the past one hundred years…”, where are you finding all your ‘fun facts’? I am curious how you know this information because I do not remember learning this is any of my AP history classes. WAIT! What happened in China between 1949-1976? P.S. 20 million people WERE killed by the government (not was) and contribution should not have an s at the end if he only did 1 thing.

Are claims backed up by examples, evidence, research?  Are sensory details employed effectively?  Are abstractions made concrete through use of examples and details?

Claims are backed up but I don’t think you should compare other countries to us when America is not like other countries. If you want to make a claim about how violence is going to break out then you should use evidence like how violent Americans got during the prohibition period when alcohol was banned, this is a paper about America and our rights, not China’s, Germany’s or Russia’s rights.

How is the story concluded?  Does it wrap up the topic neatly and provide closure?  Does it ask bigger questions or compel the reader to search for more?  Are you left wanting more (and is this a good thing)?  Is it effective?

The author did not provide a conclusion.

Voice and Audience

Characterize the story’s voice and tone?  Is it suitable for the topic?  Is it engaging?  Is it consistent throughout the piece?  If first person POV is used, is this effective or jarring (remember, most story’s should rely on the strength of the topic for engagement, not the evidence of authorial intrusion).

The authors tone is passionate but my mood toward the topic made it harder to read. It is consistent throughout the paper.

Try to characterize the audience.  What venue (publication) do you think this story suits?  Why?  Does the author effectively address this audience (too dumbed-down or sensational, too dry and esoteric)?

The author’s audience is gun lovers because he sure did not appeal to gun control activists. This venue suits a gun magazine. He effectively addresses his audience by supporting free gun purchasing.

Mechanics

Mark any ineffective or over-used word/phrase choices.  Mark any repetitive sentence structures.  Offer advice on vocabulary, syntax, and sentence structure.

My comments on vocabulary/syntax/sentence structure are above. 

An Apple a Day Keeps the Doctor Away

Peer Review and Commentary—Feature Story

The Lead:

How does the lead pull the reader in and entice her to read on?  Is it surprising, or are claims made that are common knowledge (note: the reader shouldn’t be able to say, ‘well duh.’)?  Is it effective?  Can it be made more effective?  (think details, human drama, evocative language—why/why not do you want to read on?)

The title gives away the drama, we already know who the author is talking about so there is no mystery as to who this remarkable man is. His first paragraph is very blah, I am not interested in reading further. “a variety of characters” is a funny line. Still very blah.

Does the lead give a clear indication of what the story will be about, or rely on mystery, or both?  Would more of a thesis be helpful?  Would less of a thesis be advised?  Is the reader aware of the importance of a topic—why it matters and is worth learning about?  Adversely, if for more entertainment purposes, is the topic engaging enough to compel reading?

Yes, I know exactly what the story will be about. I am still confused as to why reading about Steve Jobs is worth my time. I never knew he was adopted though so that was cool to learn and I also didn’t know his collegiate history, which was interesting to learn as well. I also like the quote the author included about calligraphy. The author’s paper begins to pick up as he writes about Jobs’ life and experiences.

Organization:

Consider how the story is structured.  Chronological, thematic, chapter/section-based, inquiry-driven?  Is it effective?  Be specific—if a paragraph doesn’t transition well into the next, mention it and provide suggestions for improvement.

The story is definitely organized chronologically which is obvious because he starts with Jobs as a child then goes til his death. The author tells his story as Jobs’ life progressed, the grow together.

Is each paragraph well focused, or are several ideas competing for attention?  How can better focus be achieved?

Yes, the paper is well written.

Are there certain points (factual or narrative based) that require more development?  Are you, the reader, unclear at certain points?  Are any ideas superfluous or distracting?

How is his decision to name the company Apple linked to the Beatles? Explain what the Apple I and II are?

Balance of human interest and information.  Point out sections that become too bogged down in dry facts.  Adversely, find sections that rely on narrative without giving the reader proper background information and factual points of reference.

I don’t really see many. The facts really help build the paper and add to its flow.

Are claims backed up by examples, evidence, research?  Are sensory details employed effectively?  Are abstractions made concrete through use of examples and details?

The author doesn’t make too many claims. Details are explained for the most part. Abstractions are connected to the paper.

How is the story concluded?  Does it wrap up the topic neatly and provide closure?  Does it ask bigger questions or compel the reader to search for more?  Are you left wanting more (and is this a good thing)?  Is it effective?

The author concludes the story by making statements about the type of man Steve Jobs was and how he changed the world. I believe that it does wrap up the topic and that his paper supports this last claim. It does not ask any questions or compel the reader to figure out more because the only thing to figure out, his personality, is not really achievable anymore.

Voice and Audience

Characterize the story’s voice and tone?  Is it suitable for the topic?  Is it engaging?  Is it consistent throughout the piece?  If first person POV is used, is this effective or jarring (remember, most story’s should rely on the strength of the topic for engagement, not the evidence of authorial intrusion).

The author has a scholarly tone throughout the story. He really sounds likes he respects and idolizes Steve Jobs. I believe it is suitable for the topic and he is consistent throughout the entire story.

Try to characterize the audience.  What venue (publication) do you think this story suits?  Why?  Does the author effectively address this audience (too dumbed-down or sensational, too dry and esoteric)?

I think the author is trying to engage a scholarly audience, one that is interested in technology and advancements in electronics. He is obviously aiming to entertain people who care about Apple products.

Mechanics

Mark any ineffective or over-used word/phrase choices.  Mark any repetitive sentence structures.  Offer advice on vocabulary, syntax, and sentence structure.

He doesn’t have any obvious grammar mistakes but there are some places where he missed a space or added an extra comma.

A realistic Ironman

The writer gains the readers' attention by introducing who Tony Stark is, which if you have not seen Iron Man, would be completely clueless as to the existence of this character. I like the writer's diction, it is bold and interesting. It says "I don't care that this is an academic paper, I am going to speak my mind." I like how they compare Tony Stark, an imaginary person, to real people and bash the real people for being famous for doing nothing when someone who is smart and actually did something should be considered an idle. But who is Elon Musk? He is Iron Man? I like how the writer begins his paper by talking about a character we are likely to know as an introduction to his real topic. I have never heard of Elon Musk before but I have heard of his products so it is cool learning about this extraordinary man. It is good that he keeps connecting the two subjects throughout the paper because if he forgot about Iron Man then the introduction would be confusing and pointless. I like how he really sells Musk and explains him and his motivation for what he does. The paper is well written, formatted and structured. I maintained interest the entire time and enjoyed it.