Nerf'said

The author’s best idea was writing about a childhood toy that is loved and looked back on fondly. I personally know many college students who still own and use Nerf guns currently. They are the perfect harmless toy that leads to hours and hours of entertainment. The author gains the readers’ interest by starting the paper out with a broad topic that left you asking “what is he talking about?” He continued his interesting topic by giving background information on the most important guy throughout the paper so that the reader could get to know him and develop a relationship with him as they continued reading and learning about this man’s life. He was most successful in his paragraphs where he talked about the design process and how the employees work to design toys for the kids. My favorite part was the ending when he mentions the kids having a capture the flag game with the hundreds of darts all across the field. The author was very creative in how he approached this topic, it could have been boring but the way he structured it and the details he included saved it from being a snooze fest. I was really interested in learning about a toy from my childhood that I still use today sometimes that I had never given much thought to.

Comments

Austin: I really like your intro paragraph.
Intro: sets instead of picks?
I really like how you lead up to your subject.
I dont have many objections to your paper or writing, I think you fulfilled the requirements.

Michael: I really like your intro paragraph, I dont have many things to say. It is a very well written paper. Maybe you should become an english major...

iQuestion

Comments:
His intro is weird, confusing and ambiguous.
2nd paragraph: do not use double negatives-super confusing!!! "Don't you just wish...wouldn't"??
"pointy object" be more mature... His vagueness is distracting and confusing.
3rd paragraph: sentences are choppy, awkward flow. "shit" is not appropriate- could've said "teased"
4th paragraph: I don't agree with the writer at all and I think bringing God vs science is a touchy subject. Once again, sentence structure could be improved.
Bad transition to 5th paragraph but I really like your ending.
6th paragraph: don't be so choppy because it doesn't read well.
I admit I like the conclusion the most out of every other paragraph in this paper.

Larry the Lobster

David Wallace uses fieldwork in his culinary essay about lobsters by traveling to Maine during the Maine Lobster Festival. He researched the history and scientific facts about lobsters to educate his readers about the topic at hand. This paper has made me rethink becoming a vegetarian because of the process of killing animals is repulsive. When I was reading about the many ways to prepare a lobster I was freaking out and I will never eat a lobster as a result. I also hate American food festivals because they are a waste of food. Animals are unnecessarily killed for entertainment and I hate it.

I will use fieldwork in my paper by talking to and comparing personal experiences of caffeine affects on my friends and family as well as my own accounts. I will also research effects of caffeine on the internet.

The Broadway Gang

The Broadway Gang by Jon Raymond is about Portland's attempt at an "occupy movement". He is very cynical, mocking Portlanders for their occupy movement attempt. He begins his clear mockery when he is deciding when to visit the occupy movement. He is amazed by the fact that people got together to protest. He very openly hates all the protestors and openly criticizes their choices, their attempt seemed weak. His entire paper is about how lame their protest was and how it was basically just a joke. He compares past protests and their effectiveness, their strength and basically says that this protest is just a group of lazy, dirty drunkards on a sidewalk. They were completely unorganized. Their attempt to make a statement was dwarfed by their lack of ability to host a protest. When midnight finally came, Jon was right. Nothing happened and the entire charade was a waste of time. The first person who acted was given up to be arrested. Jon was objective in his description but he also added his opinion very heavily which helped the description honestly. I feel like even though I wasn't present, I could imagine how the protest was without pictures. It was very effective.

"Shipping Out" to sea

David Foster Wallace discusses cruise-line brochures in this essay. He uses a lot of sarcasm, I love it! His paper is very interesting and I don't lose focus once even with how long it is. The paper would not be as strong without his witty insults towards the ridiculous brochures. His hatred for these money stealing pieces of paper is evident from the beginning with his sarcasm and bitterness. I hate when he makes a connection to the anti-depressant Prozac because I think that is completely out of place and rude. I know he did not mean to make it a personal attack but I think he could have used a different analogy. He does make his point very well though that the brochures are very effective at getting customers and getting people to go on the cruises. Honestly, if people want to spend their money on a cruise then so be it. Let them. It is their money.

Student Sample #4

I loved reading this student's essay. They had proper grammar, their syntax and diction was on point. The writer also used a good combination of personal views with facts. I really like how they quote a lot of famous people who are known for their contributions to science. I could play devil's advocate by pointing out that calling these people "authority figures" is a touchy subject because many modern people disagree with their theories and are working to form their own new ones based off new knowledge. I really like how the write addresses the fact that we will always have differing opinions and viewpoints on subjects like science and religion. It does seem like the write favors science more than Christians and attacks them a bit at the end, destroying her neutral viewpoint that was kept through the entire paper. The writer is very effective at making their point that opinions should be respected and supports it thoroughly in every paragraph.